Sunday, July 17, 2016

Dealing with DNF

This year I set a goal. Well, I set quite a few goals but one was my "A" goal, that one that I held above all others. I wanted to do a 70.3 triathlon before I turned 30. With the help of friends I put together a training plan and started following it in March (but had been staying active throughout the winter).  I had also toyed with the idea of taking on a 140.6, which I was gifted an entry into, but my real focus was achieving that half iron glory. I dreamt it. I visualized myself crossing the finish line. I preemptively bought a new magnet for my car. I talked about it constantly. I wanted it more than I wanted anything. I knew I could do it, I felt confident. All I needed to do was follow the plan, do the work, stay in a good headspace. Things would fall into place like they always do.

They didn't. I was heartbroken. There's something that eats away at your soul when you know you gave everything you had, put it all out there, and it wasn't fell short. I know, I should be proud of what I did, and what I did accomplish. But honestly, it doesn't feel that way. I don't feel like I did much of anything. Even typing this I can feel my heart breaking into a million pieces all over again. I couldn't do it. It wasn't enough. I...I wasn't enough. I beat myself up over and over for not pushing harder and training more. What ifs continue to torment me, even knowing that there isn't anything I can do now to change what happened. I can't relive those moments. I have to put them behind me and move on.

But how do I move on from this? How do I continue to put a smile on my face and grit my way through the rest of my training for upcoming races when my heart just isn't in it anymore? How do I convince myself that I AM enough. I CAN do this. I'm still searching for the answers and trying to find my way back to the person I was before the race. The person who believed anything was possible and that if you gave it all you could do anything you set your mind to. I'm not that person anymore. I have doubts. I have uncertainty. I have fear.

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